Today was rough. Well actually, the last few days. I’ve spent this time packing up the rest of what was left in the house, sorting through things to keep and things to toss, and really thinking about everything that happened within those few walls.

No more decorations. No more furniture. Just emptiness. That’s all that’s left.

It’s been an emotional time and with closing on the house just a few weeks away it all just feels so final. It’s hard to imagine how easy it is to look at a place that used to hold your whole life and just like that your whole life is packed into boxes all stacked up in your parent’s sunroom. It’s been another adjustment that I’ve stumbled my way through, but I’m doing my best to allow myself all the grace in the world, because this hasn’t been an easy transition. It’s a change I’ve been less than patient with and it’s odd to think that this chapter I’ve felt stuck in for so long is finally coming to an end.

So here Hank and I are facing what I like to refer to as our “new normal.” We faced a new normal after the loss of Bennett and then again after the loss of Hallie. When something traumatic happens in your life it’s no surprise that your world stops. Everything is different and you wake up every day not knowing exactly how to function because something is wrong, something has changed. But then you look around at everyone else and for them, things are exactly the same. Other’s will sympathize for a while, but eventually they go back to living their own life, because the truth is whatever it is that has shattered you may have only dented them, or maybe it didn’t affect them at all.

I think I had this idea in my head that if everyone else could move on from the losses of Bennett and Hallie so easily, so could I. I started to believe that “moving on” was a thing and did whatever I could to ignore how I was feeling. I thought if I tried hard enough it would just go away and I could go on with my life like it never happened. It took me a long time to realize that it was okay for me to let the losses of Bennett and Hallie affect me. I decided that moving on wasn’t a thing and I embraced the idea of moving forward instead. It was important that I let myself adjust and deal with every emotion that miscarriage brings. I made it a priority to say their names out loud and to make sure they weren’t forgotten, because even though they’re gone, it’s up to me to keep them alive in my everyday life.

I grew more and more comfortable talking about my losses and my experience with miscarriage over this past year which helped to kick-start Missing Pieces. I decided that I was done living my life in a way I felt other’s thought I should live it and I started living how I wanted to. I started embracing my emotions and stopped feeling so much guilt and shame for having them. I stopped hiding my story simply because I didn’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable, because at the end of the day Bennett and Hallie are a huge part of who I am, a part I will never be ashamed to share. I started living a healthy lifestyle by doing the best I can to eat healthy and exercise just about every day. I made it a habit to put down the phone and social media and replace it with things like writing and physically being present with my family and friends. I made my Sweet Grace meetings a priority as well and taught myself how to knit so I’d be able to contribute baby blankets to the baskets donated to families who have also experienced the tragedy of child loss.

It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve learned to embrace a new, healthy normal with new challenges, new relationships, and new adventures and so far I’m liking how things are going. Like I’ve said thousands of times before, this is never a journey I thought I’d be on and these are definitely not challenges I thought I’d ever have to face. It’s never how I pictured my life going, but among all of these packed up boxes I find myself exactly where I need to be, regardless of the emotions it brings up. It’s a reminder that the next time I see those boxes I’ll be unpacking them. And that’ll be a day where Hank and I will be settling into our next “new normal” and I can’t tell you how much excitement that brings.

Always,

Courtney