October is the beginning of so many things.

It’s the beginning of leaves changing. Of those crisp fall days. Of all things pumpkin (even though I think apple might be the superior fall flavor). But Octobers have started to mean a little bit more than finally being able to break out all of my cozy sweaters and fall decorations.

October is both Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month and the month I lost Bennett.

It’s a month full of days that look like sadness and overwhelming feelings of grief accompanied by tears. But it’s also a month of days that are full of celebration and acknowledgement of Bennett, Hallie, and all of the other sweet babes that have been taken too soon.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years since I’ve heard the words, “I’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.” And even though I remember that day so vividly, it feels like an entire lifetime has passed since then. Life has changed so drastically and it’s changed in ways I could have never predicted.

Each October since then has looked a little bit different, but I guess that’s what makes this season of life so similar to grief. It’s ever changing. It’s having those little reminders of their existence pop up when you least expect it. And it’s feeling that ache in your heart because you know something will always be missing.

So maybe that’s why October is the perfect month to acknowledge loss. I’d like to think that fall is a time that holds so much beauty before things turn dark and the weather turns cold. And somehow, that’s how it feels to be that 1 in 4. It’s knowing I get to share the cold, dark, heartbreaking parts of my story, because I’m not alone in those feelings. It’s being a voice in the uncomfortable silence that often surrounds loss. And it’s taking that silence and shattering it, because for every ugly part of my story, there is a part just as beautiful.

Always,

Courtney