It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write anything more than a brief Instagram post. It’s been months actually and I don’t know if it’s because I just couldn’t come up with the words to say or if I just couldn’t organize my thoughts enough to write them down.

So here I sit with my coffee and Firefly Lane playing on Netflix in the background and I still just feel like all of my thoughts are a tangled mess in my head. But I think loss does that to you. After my miscarriages I felt like my mindset changed. My worries were different and ultimately, I was different. I felt fragile. I felt like one more harsh comment, one more pregnancy announcement, or one more baby shower would push me to the point of shattering into a million pieces. And even though it’s been three years since my first loss, there are some days where I still feel so fragile I might break.

But that fragility had a lot more to do with my own thoughts and feelings surrounding my losses and a lot less to do with what was going on around me. A million thoughts have passed through my mind since that day and a million more will continue to be added to the list, but I thought I’d start here. I thought I’d share a list of some of the things that weighed heavily on my heart and mind after my miscarriages and some I still continue to think about today.

Why not me? Why her?

When is it going to be my turn?

Am I enough? Am I good enough to be a mom?

Do I even count as a mom?

Who would they have been? What would they look like?

Are they proud of who I am now? Of the person I’ve become because of them?

Why do some things still bother me so much?

Why am I so triggered by some people more than others?

Why isn’t my body normal? Why can’t it just do what it was made for?

Are things this hard for everyone?

I used to feel guilty for a lot of the things on this list. I never intended to be hateful or negative towards other people, but sometimes I swear I was so full of envy my skin was starting to turn green. But loss has this funny way of making you feel so isolated and alone. Then after the loss comes grief and both of those things added together are more than overwhelming…especially when no one’s talking about it. It took a long time for me to realize that even though my thoughts may not have always been right, they were still valid.

Everything I was feeling was valid and it was normal…I just didn’t know it. I didn’t know that the more I shared my story, the more I would find that there were other people out there who were going through the same thing I was. And little by little I stopped feeling so ashamed for a negative thought that would pop into my head, because I wasn’t alone in this anymore.

I’ve heard over and over again that grief doesn’t just go away. It doesn’t get easier. It just is different…and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that there are days where something may cross my mind for only one second and then I go on with the rest of my day like nothing happened. But then there are days where I’m taken right back to that fragile human being that feels like she’s been thrown against the wall and is left shattered all over the floor.

But realizing that I didn’t have to pick up the pieces alone didn’t happen overnight. It took time and it took being brutally honest with myself and where I was at in my grief. It’s been anything but pretty trying to navigate through all of the ups and downs, because in reality grief is a constant journey. But I think it’s important to know that no matter where you are on your journey, your thoughts are normal. Everything you’re feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with being broken or vulnerable, because I can tell you from experience…you’re not the only one.