Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

Vicki Harrison

The entire idea of grief and grieving is something I’ve found myself struggling with lately. Grief is described as a response to loss, mostly related to the emotional aspect of someone passing away, but also encompassing things like physical, behavioral, social, cognitive, and spiritual changes. In retrospect grief seems so simple…so cut and dry. But in my head, it’s so much more.

How would I describe grief? The same way Vicki Harrison has in her quote. I’d describe it like an ocean. However, in my head I’m standing on the shoreline. Some days are sunny and beautiful and as I walk along the shoreline the waves are so small, brushing up against my feet reminding me of where I’ve been, but I’m able to look at the sun, enjoy the day, and feel the hope for what is to come. But not every day is like that.

Other days it feels like the ocean has sucked me in and I’m in the midst of a hurricane. There’s wind and rain and the waves are so strong, dragging me under every chance they get. It feels like drowning.

Grief is hard. It’s ugly and emotional, and it pops up in every day life. It’s an ongoing process for those going through it as well as the family and friends of those surrounding the grieving person. Going through the loss of Bennett and Hallie has changed me as a person. Grief has changed me as a person. Sometimes I look at it as though I make things difficult for those around me. Sometimes I think to myself, “Why can’t I just get over this? How can I let this affect me so much?” But the truth is I don’t think you get over a loss of any kind. It’s a part of who you are and it becomes a part of your story.

If you’re anything like me, you like to have a plan. You have a calendar and know what’s going on each day, you have an idea of how your next week, month, and even year will look. Then grief steps in. You lose something you never could have imagined or expected and that calendar you spent so much time planning out and color coordinating is meaningless because you can’t even picture getting through the next hour. Throughout my journey I have stumbled upon many books and resources to try and process my feelings and try to understand my new normal. One specific book entitled It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst has become one of my favorites and the following quote is something I have come to cling to throughout this journey of grief.

Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.

Lysa TerKeurst

I had this entire life planned out before Bennett and Hallie, not even realizing they would ever be a part of my story. I envisioned being married with the house and the dog and eventually starting a family. Little did I know that was my exact reality until loss occurred and grief stepped in. I never imagined grieving the loss of two children, a marriage, and the life I thought I’d have. But through this season of my life I have learned to embrace the death of everything I thought my life would be and learn to embrace the uncomfortable and unknown.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Grief is ugly. It has brought out the worst and most broken parts of me. It has brought out a side of me I never even knew existed. It has taught me resilience, compassion, understanding, and most of all what unconditional love truly means. It has caused me to lose relationships, while strengthening others, but most of all it has shown me that although I feel so utterly broken some days, beauty exists within broken things.

Always,

Courtney