The day we lost Bennett.

It really is a day I’ll never forget. Let me go back just a few weeks. In September, just two months after getting married, I found out I was pregnant. Honestly, I cried. All I could think of was how was I going to handle a baby, a new job, starting school again, and whatever else could possibly happen? I was 22. This was not the plan at all. At least not my plan. Regardless, with tears in my eyes, I told Jared and once the initial shock of the news had passed, the excitement set in.

I was 5 weeks along when we found out. At 6 weeks, I started bleeding. It wasn’t anything crazy and I had read online that a little bit of bleeding was normal, so I truly didn’t think anything of it. We had an appointment on October 6th to discuss insurance, meet with a nurse, and have my blood drawn. The night before the appointment I was at work, consistently worrying about what the next morning would hold.

Jared and I showed up to this appointment after both working all night, tired as ever. We talked all about our insurance options and what would be covered, I had my blood drawn, and next was meeting with the nurse to go over some basics. Once we were in with the nurse, I mentioned the bleeding which is when we were told we’d be getting an ultrasound just to ensure that everything was normal with the baby. When we were getting the ultrasound I really had no idea what I would be looking for, especially at only 7 weeks pregnant. The ultrasound technician didn’t really explain anything to us and simply said I should get dressed and we could go to an exam room and the physician would be in.

We waited 20 minutes. I immediately had a terrible feeling that something was wrong. The physician walked into the room and this is something I will truly never forget. The first words out of his mouth were,

“I’m so sorry. This happens all the time. It’s not uncommon, but I’m so sorry.”

Those words still haunt me to this day. It took me a minute before I finally stopped him and asked him what he was talking about. He explained that we had what was called a “missed miscarriage.” There was a baby, but because I was already in the process of miscarrying, there was no fetus on the ultrasound. He explained my options. I opted to take medication to clean everything out essentially, but that process wouldn’t happen for another few days.

I left that office that day being forced to walk through a waiting room full of expectant mothers knowing I had lost my child. Knowing that I would never get to experience the follow up ultrasounds, finding out the gender, or creating a birth plan. A few days later, I finally got my prescription, which I took at 9 AM and by 4 PM that evening, I was laboring and had passed what would have been Bennett. It was bloody and painful and when the doctor told me it would feel like cramps you would have on your period he was full of shit. Excuse my language, but I’ve never experienced “cramps” like that in my life.

I bled. I cried. I slept. Until I went to work the next day. I don’t know how I did it, I really don’t. But I did and over a year later, it hurts just as much as it did then. His birthday would have been May 25th, 2018, but instead October 6th is the day my world came crashing down and the day we choose to remember him. This was the first time I truly broke…until we lost Hallie. But her story is one I’ll share later.

Always,

Courtney